One of those days

The past few weeks have inflicted me with more than one: "one of those days." It's really the Bermuda Triangle of circumstances and emotions. Today proved to be one of those days where your heart has moments of ache, joy, pontification, thrill, laughter, play, and or course, prayer.

How often do you wish you were gifted differently? Wish you were more like so-and-so? Wish that you didn't frustrate yourself over the little things you do or do not do? How often are you overjoyed with the extreme faithfulness of God? How often, in your grown up life, have you missed the days when mom and dad made decisions for you? How many times a day do you giggle with anticipation about the opportunities that God has put before you?

Today was filled with many of these thoughts. I was able to paint the hallways and classrooms of Bristol Oaks School. I have signed on to be a teacher with this new school. I will teach Bible, Fundamentals of English, Geography, and Leadership. I also get to help set up organizational systems for this new, sweet school. So, today as I was standing in the hallways painting I was overcome with, both amazement and doubt.

I was amazed that God would provide this position for me. I was amazed that I will get to teach with my dear Kristin as a colleague. It was amazing to me that God has created a school with a passion for individualized academics and performing arts. But then I was consumed with doubt. Doubt about me. Doubts about my gifts, abilities, and personality.

I began reflecting about the times when decisions felt simple. Or when buying a car was my parent's responsibility for me. Or thinking about how I used to find incredible joy in organizing my room. I thought about the activities that my friends and I used to do on a Friday night. I also wondered if I am actually making things more complicated - wishing away the reality of what is.

I have learned so much and grown so much and been exposed to SO much in the last 10 months, it's hard to even comprehend it all. :) It's been so hard, but so amazing at the same time. And I have begun to learn that emotions are truth - just because we feel something doesn't mean it's actually true (real, perhaps, not necessarily true). I have also gotten to know, in a more intimate way, that I am lavishly designed ON PURPOSE. I was nurtured, YES, but was created and purposed and designed ahead of time for...well, something. I don't know. But for right now, it's to be a teacher. And to give my time to organizations that can use me.

Today was one of those days where your mind feels like mushiness. That's okay. Because I reflected, conversed, and made conclusions today, namely: I expect myself to be good at everything (which is ridiculous) and I am too critical of myself. I am living in a reality that is beyond what I would have thought or imagined. But today was one of those days, which are bound to come up from time to time.