[Cheese]cake and Truths

Two weeks ago today I was just arriving in the Atlanta area. And 2 weeks ago today was my first exposure to Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Pancakes. Yum. I feel like 2 weeks ago was forever ago. These past 14 days have been full:

1) My first time seeing Craig Groeschel speak live and in person

2) My first Invest meeting

3) My first Kenya Meeting

4) My first time attending church while not also being a staffer at a church (in 5 years)

5) My first time seeing farmland in Georgia

6) My first time selling ad space for a magazine

7) My first time working for a magazine

8) My first time seeing the Daraja Children's Choir

9) My first time hearing the impact of Dave Ramsey's passion

10) My first time fundraising to the extent that I am. 

Great things! The weather here is stunning - the leaves haven't even changed yet. It's about 65 degrees in the sun @ 3 pm. The Spirit of God may truly rest on this Bible belt - I don't know for sure. The phrases down here are different and entertaining. The drivers in GA may cause me to pull my hair out. 

What has probably been the biggest surprise is my lack of confidence and poise as a leader. Things are new and so new that they are causing me to question my motives, my heart, my giftedness, and my kindness as a human. Dark, huh? The enemy is attacking my thoughts in such profound ways and I battle back and forth every day about myself: have I based my understanding of worth on what I have done? Am I really the kind of person who starts something and doesn't follow through? Will I ever be a good salesman? Why is it that I have a woo-ing type personality, but seem horribly awkward about selling? Am I as creative as I think I am? Am I a good leader of people or manager of product? And THEN I think I am SERIOUSLY over-analyzing everything. And I tell myself to chill out. I think about the words that I have taught kids about God and I remind myself that those truths are for me too. I think about the endurance that you'd find in my track record. But then I get all worried again. Why is it that I am so insecure and so worried about "me" and what I can do? Am I really the engineer that I thought I was? Why is it that what was once normal now seems impatient and offensive? And then I go back to 'Satan GET BEHIND ME! Chill out, Kristine.' What a mess! When does this end? And does this ever go away?

What would you do if I told you that in three weeks I leave for Kenya. And since this is my place of writing and I hope you'll hear my heart: We only go to Kenya if we get our money in...yesterday. The 4 of us are frantically attempting to finalize our fundraising. We don't raise the money = we don't go now. We don't go now = God has a different agenda. BUT, I am deeply curious and praying that we can go now. But that is how I am, I think: love asking God for the [cheese]cake so that I can eat it too. :D