I used the words "freedom" and "crap" in the same sentence today. i am just -AHH- so embracing and sensing the working out of freedom and the increase in grace. Course, for that to happen, there is some major hurts, fear, and well, crap, surfacing and being molded out of me....but i can feel freedom. i can sense it's lightness and matter-of-fact-ness. freedom is dawning. freedom is here.
I have met brokenness and the end of self-effort, self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-ambition. I am done. done. done. Even got to the end of “holding it together for others” this year. Done. Done. I am learning to just be. me. Not to be the me that clings to co-dependent tendencies, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, or self-rejection as mechanisms of meeting needs. broken me. reverent me. listening me. free me. jesus in me.
and then i had a fairly strange worry: is this freedom in me, because i know it's freedom and it's grace and Spirit (not me, not flesh), is it causing me to be less attractive to be around? EAK. What if this "new" and "free" me is no longer interesting to the friends i have. gosh, this is a weird thought....i don't have an answer, except to consider that it sounds pretty ridiculous...
i have read it recently: "Sin came from personal independence, not from breaking the 10 Commandments." If that's true, and chronologically this sounds about right; then i am declaring that i kinda wanna be done with personal independence. it's not gotten me "far." instead it's been a hindrance.
i want Spirit-dependence. i want experiential reality, based off of positional truth. i want the freedom. getting stuck happens and will happen. but freedom within me is dawning and it's a matter of fact.
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